Movies & TV / News

The Man Movie Encyclopedia: Desperado

August 7, 2018 | Posted by Caliber Winfield
Desperado

Greetings, all.

Welcome to the Man Movie Encyclopedia Summer Vacation Series! Where for the entire month of August we’re going to take a look at movies that feature fun in the sun! Coming up first, we head to Mexico where a mariachi has a beef with a drug-dealer, and proceeds to put to good use his Costco membership as he clearly buys his ammo in bulk.

Oh, and if that’s not enough summer vactioness for you, don’t forget to get yourself of a copy of My Summer Vacation At Camp Crystal Lake, my love letter to the Friday The 13th series, done in Man Movie Encyclopedia fashion.

desperdaoheader

The movie opens up with a dude played by Steve Buscemi entering a bar. He orders a drink, and starts talking to the bartender about how he’s glad to be alive. He tells a story about being at another bar, when a dude walked in with a guitar case, and starts blasting people all to hell with shotguns. It’s nothing short of glorious. He then heads out after telling them that he thinks this dude is coming this way, and we head into the credit sequence, where the Mariachi cat plays a nice little diddy whilst fighting crime. He’s basically the Spanish Caliber Winfield.

Dessteve

Turns out he’s buddies with Steve Buscemi, and he tells the Mariachi that the guy he’s looking for, Bucho, a major drug runner, has ties at the bar he was at, and that’s where he has to go, so he does.
Before he gets there, a couple of cats, one of them played by Quentin Tarantino, show up, order some beers and hand the bartender two cards, as they’re there for some drug dealing action. Well, the white guy pans out, the other doesn’t, and gets his head blown off. So, while they take the white guy in the back to make his purchase, the Mariachi shows up, and naturally, all hell breaks loose. I mean, this guy has zero sense of conservation, or playing it safe. He feels it necessary to dump 2 full clips into just about every single person, and then as two men are unloading fully automatic machine guns, dude just stands there in the open, reloading. It’s glorious. He’s the kinda guy who would get his driver’s license, just so he could get it suspended, just so he could drive with a suspended. Or he only smokes when he’s getting gas for his car.
After leaving the slaughter, one guy he didn’t kill follows him, and manages to clip him in the arm, but then gets his head blown off. At the same time we meet Salmea Hyak, and she helps M back to her place where she sews him up. Meanwhile, Bucho gets his boys together in an all out assault limo, scowering the streets looking for M. On the other end, his Colombian connection sent a dude, bad ass Danny Trejo, who only uses throwing knives.

Desdanny

He’s been tracking down M since the morning. Just as he gets the jump on him, getting a few blades in, Bucho’s crew shows up and guns him down. However, they lose a few guys as this dude is pretty hard to pin down, and just runs around knifing the hell out of everyone.Too bad, cause I wanted to see Danny kick some more ass.
While healing up at Cat’s bookstore, Bucho comes in to ask if she’s seen anything, and this is after we learn that she helps him deal drugs by holding some stashes there once in a while. She shoos him off, then fixes up M, and then, naturally, they do it. I mean, c’mon, when the fuck am I gonna have my moment where I’m all tanned up, with my long flowing hair, having a woman fix me up after my revenge fueled rampage, deciding I’m way too macho and burly, and she has no choice but to bone me. I know what you’re thinking, but, Caliber, you write the burliest article series online, this must happen at least a few times, daily! Well, there was that one time I stubbed my toe pretty gnarly and begged my girlfriend for sex, so, you’re half right in your assumptions. Even then, it’d go like this…

Phoenix Marie: Oh, Caliber, I can’t believe you were able to kill those half-dragon/half-ninja/half-jedis like that. As I tend to your wounds, I can’t help but notice your awesome muscles and such.
Caliber: Hey, some bad guys just gotta be put in their place.
Phoenix Marie: You’re too hot for me to resist. [Phoenix kisses Caliber, then attempts to sit on his lap]
Caliber: OUCH! Ah, you bitch! C’mon, you brushed up against the spot where you JUST pulled that spinter out! That fucker was the size of a 2×4! Do you not remember?! Geez! I’m shocked I didn’t just pass out from the pain! You devil woman!

So, M calls up his other band mates for help with this final take down of Bucho and his boys. His band mates have guitar cases that are auto matic machine guns, as well as rocket launchers.

Descrue

They take out a good portion of dudes, but both end up smoked. Who would have ever thought standing out in the open admist gun fire, and blocking the bullets with your body wouldn’t pan out? Well, with all of Bucho’s men dead, M and Catalina just head to his HQ, and as it turns out, Bucho is M’s older brother. Bucho boils it down to, hey, my men did this, you killed all them, now I’m gonna kill her while you watch, and the—BOOM! Just then M pops his 2 9mm out of his sleeves and, naturally, dumps both clips into Bucho. I really want to be able to do that. Can you imagine what COULDN’T be solved by just having 2 9mills pop out of no where?
Bad guy has you dead to rights and is about to kill your smoking hot lady? BAM! Dual 9millis to the face!
Girl you’re starting to date uses your phone to check google and accidentally sees the 146 Xvideo tabs you have open? BAM! Dual 9millis!
Restaurant says you have to be in a group to use your groupon? BAM! Dual 9 millis!

Anyway, he kills Bucho, we fade to white, and he basically leaves Catalina and heads off. It doesn’t explain how he was able to shoot his way out of the compound when he had about 10 dudes with guns on him at the time, but, I imagine he just shot everyone while standing there.

MAN MOVIE TALLY:
1-Liners: 0
Guys Beat Up: 2
Guys Killed: 51
Swear Words: 26
Boobies: 0
Explosions: 5
Chase: 1
Broken Bones: 0
Fight/Shoot-Out At Motel?: No
Guy Get Girl? Yes
Guy Smoke?: No

MAN FACTS:
When it came to film the sex scene, the whole crew showed up to see it. Because, why wouldn’t they? I wouldn’t be surprised if the crew from Broken Arrow also showed up. But when it came time to film, only Rodriguez and the script supervisor were on set.

Instead of squibs, they had the guns fire fake blood at people. However, it was too realistic, and thus a lot of cuts had to be made.

Apparently there was a big shoot-out with Bucho and his men, but it was all cut to make the MPAA happen. I knew there had to be a reason, because that shit was odd and abrupt.

C’MON BENNETT, LET’S PARTY!:
Desperado is flat out a fun movie, it’s pure popcorn, and in my opinion a throw back to the exploitation action films of the 70s, and the over-top, adventure cinema serials of the 40s. The action is John Woo-esq, as our hero dumps full clips into people that send them flying, while he himself refuses to be shot, despite standing in a hail of bullets. The ending obviously feels like a bit of a deflated let-down, but at least there’s the sweet shoot-out with his homies before hand. I also wish we’d have had more Steve Buscemi. There’s always room for Steve.
***3/4 Head-Butts out of 5

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
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My Summer Vacation At Camp Crystal Lake – My brand new ebook that’s become so popular it’s charting on the album sales charts. I cover the Friday The 13th franchise in Man Movie Encyclopedia fashion, followed up by a few list-based articles, chronicling my favorite kills, moments from the franchise, and a few other subjects. $3 via amazon, or simply email me and get it for $2, either way, it’ll probably change your life.
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